The “Big Guy”

Every day I sit in my chair in front of my computer and work.  My place of work is front of a window filled with plants; orchids, African Violets, and tropical plants.  And on the floor next to the window is a small pond with consent water flowing.  And this morning, I wondered how long it would be before my life would change toward delight instead of confusion.  I thought to myself if time has no meaning then why; does 10 years seem like it has been tattooed on my forehead, for you see this is how long I have been at this point.   I have tried and also been aware others have the same story; struggling at the same pace.  It is though I take one step forward and then two steps backward.  I am not much in believing in destiny.  I feel I have choices on how my life is to play out.  Nor do I believe my loving God would want me to be unhappy, confused and to a point at times lost.  I find it hard to comprehend this life I live is my destiny.  I have seen and watched others even less fortunate than I, and find myself being blessed for my life.  And I know God sends these messages to me in order for me to recognize that life sometimes is not fair, but more importantly perhaps the choices I have made for myself.  Then I ask myself am I making these choices without being aware?  Maybe the reason I am unaware is because I feel lost at times.  I humorously say to God, “Wouldn’t it be just easier for You to call me on my cell phone and tell me what I am supposed to be doing?”  I would do it.  Being unaware can be blissful if you are in love perhaps, but not in surviving.  I have multiple talents and if someone was to ask me; if you could choose what job you would want, what would that be?  I know the answer; the question is what job would pay you to do what you want?  Now that is the real question and the answer I have none.  So now…what to do? 

When my time is gone from here and I am sitting in a garden with the “Big Guy” He will not once ask me how much money I had nor did I pay my bills on time.  I do not think He will even ask me if I had a job.  Of course He will know the answers to all the questions He will ask and yet He will ask me them anyway.  The first and maybe the only one will be; did you love?